Stuff Investment Bankers Like: Trophy Wives, Talking About Cocaine, Pls Do, Buenos Aires, Making Empty Threats, Lying, and Reminiscing
Let’s skip the witty introductions and get right into it.
#1 Multiple Trophy Wives
For the investment banker, trophy wives are required due to both pride and necessity.
Pride: What kind of rich, successful guy only has 1 wife? Come on, even in third world countries polygamy is common place, so why can’t you get yourself another wife or 3?
Necessity: Bankers always need to replenish their wife counts. Excessive drug usage, long hours, and constant travel means that multiple divorces are just as common as multiple wives.
With hard luck falling on many financiers these days, some senior bankers have resigned themselves to a mere 2 or 3 wives rather than the 5-10 that were common in years’ past.
Don’t let this fool you, though: underneath their calm exterior, these bankers are secretly running detailed Excel spreadsheets mapping the rise in bonuses as the economy recovers to the number and quality of trophy wives they can procure with their new-found plunder.
#2 Talking About Cocaine
You might be under the impression that all investment bankers actually do cocaine on a regular basis. Hey, I don’t blame you, but there are 2 main flaws with your theory:
- With the way bonuses were last year and this year, most bankers are more worried about affording their mortgage rather than buying an extra hit or two.
- Fundamentally, bankers don’t do things. They talk about doing things. It’s just like how they don’t actually create value – they just help other people sell value, and take a cut of it for themselves.
There’s no subject that bankers and wanna-be-bankers love to discuss more than doing drugs – and cocaine is the perennial favorite.
Just be aware that if someone starts talking about doing cocaine or recounting a story about cocaine, he’s just lying to make himself look better (see #6 below).
#3 Pls Do
Being creatures of sloth, investment bankers love taking shortcuts to avoid actual work while making themselves look better in the process.
This leads to giant email chains between your deal team, the Managing Directors, and your clients that always end with someone senior emailing you the infamous “Pls Do” request.
Typing, “Please spread these comps for Brazilian mining companies with between $100 Million and $1 Billion revenue and look at EV/Revenue, EV/EBITDA, and P/E” would take far too much effort – why not just rely on the email below and attach a simple “Pls Do” request above it?
Just as senior bankers enjoy whipping out the “Pls Do” on junior bankers, so too do junior bankers enjoy crushing interns with a strong dose of “Pls Do” whenever there’s work they really don’t want to do (Converting PDF to Excel, I’m looking at you).
#4 Buenos Aires
You might think that Rio or Amsterdam are the leading destinations for former bankers with a lot of time on their hands now, but you’d be wrong once again.
The winner is neither of those places – it’s Buenos Aires, the city in the developed world with the best ratio of models to cheap bottles (and cheap models too, but let’s not go there).
And yes, I know Thailand, India, Eastern Europe, and other places are “cheaper,” but those destinations are not “developed” and are therefore unsuitable for bankers.
Even Playboy Magazine came to the same conclusion recently: Buenos Aires is the preferred destination for newly unemployed bankers, especially those who have a nice nest egg saved up and ready to spend on beautiful Argentinian women.
The only problem with Buenos Aires is that there are so many other bankers there now, you’ll probably want to kill yourself when you walk into certain bars.
But you can still live like a rock star on $30K per year.
#5 Making Empty Threats
If talking about cocaine and plotting to move to Argentina are second-nature to bankers, “making empty threats” has to be #3.
The most common empty threats are variants of the following:
- “I can’t stand [Insert Name of MD/VP/Associate Here]! If he gives me one more stupid assignment, I’m going to quit even if I don’t get my bonus!”
- “This place sucks so much, I’m going to move to [Insert Name of Competitor Here] tomorrow!” (more plausible in boom times)
These threats are typically made either late at night in fits of anger, or during one of the 10 daily trips to Starbucks that are required in investment banking.
You can glance at these for 2 seconds and realize that both are empty threats, because:
- As mentioned above, bankers like to talk a lot without taking action and are extremely risk averse – they don’t like doing anything that might be remotely interesting if it could result in full or partial failure.
- Even if bonuses are a measly $10-$20K, no banker in his or her right mind would give up money just to prove a point. It’s all about the dollars.
There are countless other empty threats indigenous to banking culture, of course. But threatening to give up money or prestige – the only 2 things that any banker really cares about – are at the top of the list.
#6 Lying to Make Themselves Look Better
There are a number of standard items that bankers lie about, but here are some of the most common ones:
- Bonus #’s. Notice how this year (2009) there haven’t been solid, widely reported and consistent bonus numbers anywhere – that’s because the numbers were so low that bankers felt compelled to lie to each other simply to cover up their misery.
- Girls (or guys if you happen to be the lone Banker Chick). Sure, she was a Top Model… and she spent the night at your place… and, and… oh wait, you just got drunk and passed out on your couch once again, I forgot.
- Future jobs. Sure, you got the offer at KKR but you didn’t want to accept it due to “lifestyle reasons.” Yeah right, you just screwed up your modeling tests with your meager technical skills and got hosed by that guy at Goldman TMT.
Lying to make yourself look better is essential in many fields, but bankers do it better than most anyone else.
#7: Reminiscing About the “Good Ol’ Days” or the “Bad Ol’ Days”
If it’s 2008-2009, senior bankers love to talk about “the good ol’ days” when deals were actually happening and when they were actually getting paid more than plumbers.
If it’s 2005-2006, senior bankers love to talk about “the bad ol’ days” when nothing was happening in 2001-2003 and when they were lucky to get 1 closed deal for every 100 pitches.
And as soon as you get interns, you’ll be reminiscing and feeding them the same stories of how many trophy wives you had, how much cocaine you did, and how many trips you took to Buenos Aires back in the good ol’ days.
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Tags: clients, cocaine, investment banker, investment banking, Investment Banking Bonus, Managing Directors, prestige, understanding investment banking, wives
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I love it!!
(model to cheap bottle ratio)
I was REALLY tempted to move there… still may do it next year…
Hey Brian, is there a lot of painkiller abuse in IBanking?
People talk about it a lot but they’re mostly all talk… I’m sure some people do it but it’s not that common
haha great article. after reading your stuff im not even sure how to approach interviewing (if there is any) this fall. am i still supposed to pretend that i think banking is the shit, that ill be closing deals, etc (like i thought when i was a freshman)? im not that great an actor haha.
Yes
That Playboy Article you linked to paints a dark picture of things during a down market.
I’m still not so clear as to the long-term repercussions of being fired in IB. Is it the “kiss of death,” does it mean that your chances of ever getting a job in IB again are very slim?
Or, on the other hand, would having the IB experience put you in a good position to get back into industry once the market hits an upswing and firms start hiring again (provided, of course, that you were originally fired due to the down market and not because you punched your supervisor in the face before applying the ol’ “dragon death lock”)?
It depends what level you’re at… the younger you are, the less serious getting fired is. Senior bankers who get laid off typically find it extremely difficult to ever get back into the industry, and if they do it at all they usually have to go to smaller / start-up firms.
Having the experience definitely helps you, but typically if you want to jump back in after doing something else you will need business school or something else to re-position yourself first.
It all goes back to something quite basic: there is no guaranteed way to make a lot of money without risk and work. Any job is a tradeoff between risk, work, and money… and banking involves a lot more risk than most people think.
The irony here is that Buenos Aires is where SC Governor Sanford had his affairs. Apparently it’s not just ibankers spending time there.
Interestingly, his wife was formerly a banker at Lazard.
That tends to happen in Argentina…
Haha. Good one. But then, again, it comes with the job. Crap we do for our clients boils down to those 7 things too. lol
You talk to your clients about cocaine?!
If the client wants some ass and/or coke… certainly! lol
Hi Brian,
I have a question completely unrelated to cocaine (lol!). Are equity research analysts at a disadvantage while applying for PE positions? Also, is it relatively easier to get into Equity Research as opposed to banking. How hard is it to switch from a research analyst to a banking analyst?
Yes, research analysts are disadvantaged when applying to PE because they’ll assume you don’t know anything about LBO modeling etc. It can be done, but it’s much easier coming from IBD.
I don’t think it’s any easier to get into equity research because there are fewer positions to begin with – they also rarely hire at the entry level, and most banks have been cutting back in recent times because research does not generate revenue.
Switching from a research analyst to banking analyst can be done, but it’s 100% dependent on the economy at the time… if it’s back on an upswing it won’t be that difficult, but if places aren’t hiring much then you’ll face a lot of competition from former bankers.
Thanks a ton man.
I’m currently doing an ibank internship. Is there any risk that they could find out that I’m meeting with other firms/getting lunch, etc..would they be pissed?
Also, do they track your internet usage to see how much time you waste on other activities?
I don’t think internet usage is tracked rigorously, or if it is they never really look at it / care unless you’re literally doing no work.
They could find out that you’re meeting with other banks, but you shouldn’t worry too much about it… just don’t do anything obvious, like meeting with someone who knows everyone at your bank.
I’m at a MM firm with a few interns. Do MM firms always give their FT offers at the end of summer or is there a chance I’ll get done and find out they won’t decide for a few months? If they don’t make this decision then can I ask where I stand before I start FT recruiting?
Hardly anyone gives out FT offers to everyone. They may take awhile to decide, and if that’s the case I would go into FT recruiting under the assumption that they will say no, just so you cover your bases. I would only ask once at the end of your internship and if they don’t say anything there’s not much you can do besides waiting.
Could you maybe do a post about bottle service? I keep reading and hearing about the ridiculous nights bankers have, including hanging out with celebs and taking models home with them. Assuming I’ll be a banker that can still afford this, this is something I’d like to experience. Can you tell us more about this?
Hahahaha that is such an exaggeration. At the junior level you’re more likely to go to sleep early than you are to get celebrities.
But hey, if it helps motivate you, you can keep on thinking that way.
As a junior banker your life is 90% work, 9% sleep, and maybe 1% fun if you occasionally get to leave early.
I went for bottle service maybe twice in bank, and it was stupid and overpriced both times.
Argentina a developed country? How did you reach this conclusion?
It has amazing women haha, but it is not “developed”. It is actually quite poor if compared to other major countries in Latin America.
The only major players are really Brazil and Mexico.
Much more developed than Thailand/Vietnam, which are often cited as “cool places to go”