One question that came up with recent news of Analyst bonuses at investment banks was how you get ranked in the first place.

Sure, we all want to be “Top Tier,” but how do you actually get there?

There must be a complex “ranking” process at banks to ensure high standards for everyone…. right?

Nope. It’s actually more like spinning the roulette wheel – or rolling the dice.

Red or Black?

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Let’s skip the witty introductions and get right into it.

#1 Multiple Trophy Wives

For the investment banker, trophy wives are required due to both pride and necessity.

Pride: What kind of rich, successful guy only has 1 wife? Come on, even in third world countries polygamy is common place, so why can’t you get yourself another wife or 3?

Necessity: Bankers always need to replenish their wife counts. Excessive drug usage, long hours, and constant travel means that multiple divorces are just as common as multiple wives.

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90% of my questions lately have been related to the recession, banks failing, and all the other bad news this year.

And while it is traumatic to find yourself suddenly unemployed, it’s also worthwhile to take a step back and find some humor in the bigger picture.

Humor?

Whenever layoffs begin, everyone gets nervous about their own job security – and that can lead to some great stories.

Sometimes, you can even get a broken car window and a broken fist out of it.

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What is Investment Banking?: Ari Gold: What Bankers Actually Do, Why NOT Do Investment Banking, Why You Work 100 Hours Per Week, The Jack Bauer Guide to Investment Banking Success

Investment Banking Lifestyle: A Day in the Life - Worst Day and Best Day, How to Stay Fit, Investment Banking Lingo Part 1 and Part 2, A Week in the Life (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday)

Investment Banking Fashion: Investment Banking Wardrobe for Men, Men's Fashion Basics, How to Pick a Suit, Investment Banking Wardrobe for Women

Breaking into Finance: How to Get an Investment Banking Job, Networking into Investment Banking, Recruiting in a Tough Market, Breaking in from Engineering, Breaking in from Law, Breaking in from the Back Office

Networking: Networking into Investment Banking, Investment Banking Information Sessions, Become a Networking Ninja, How to Network Like Jason Bourne - Podcast, Cold Calling - Podcast, How to Get In From a State School With No Background - Case Study, How to Get In From a Non-Target School With a Low GPA - Case Study

Recruiting in a Down Market: The State of the Market, Check-The-Box-Recruiting to Actual Recruiting, Become a Networking Ninja, Plan B Options, How to Avoid Shooting Yourself in the Foot

Investment Banking Resumes: How to Write an Investment Banking Resume, How Investment Bankers Read Resumes, University Student Investment Banking Resume Template, Investment Banking Cover Letters

Investment Banking Interviews: Investment Banking Interview Guide, The Interview Selection Process, How to Close Your Interviews, Superday Zen: Why Less Is More, Random Interview Selection, Telling Your Story - Part 1, Telling Your Story - Part 2

Summer Internships: Summer Intern Success Guide, How to Dominate Your Summer Internship, Tips from a Former Summer Analyst, What You Do as a Summer Analyst, 10 Summer Internship "Don't's", How Summer Interns Get Full-Time Offers

Investment Banking Salaries: Investment Banking Salaries vs. McDonald's, Why Investment Bankers Make So Much Money, 2008 Analyst Bonuses, 2009 Analyst Bonus Prediction

Private Equity / Buyside Jobs: Private Equity Resumes, Private Equity Interviews, The Myth of the Buyside Job, Headhunters: Friend or Foe?, How to Get a Private Equity Job, How to Tame Recruiters

Specific Groups: UBS LA, Boutiques - 2008, Restructuring, The Back Office, Mergers & Acquisitions, Sales & Trading - Fixed Income, Boutiques - 2009, Why Bankers Dominate Consultants

Investment Banking Regions: Investment Banking Italy, Credit Derivatives in Tokyo, Investment Banking Australia

Business School: Business School Admissions as a Financier, Business School Admissions as a Non-Financier

Quitting Finance & Slacking Off: The Conference Room: How You Get Fired, The Farewell Email, A Day in the Life of a Former Investment Banker, How to Succeed In Investment Banking Without Doing Any Work, How to Have Fun On the Beach

Post & Pre-Layoff Options: Post-Layoff Options, Timing the Market Is BAD, How to Become a Ski Bum